Maybe I’m being too Hard on Myself? By Cassie Traasdahl

 My sister met up with friends recently. Friends she hadn’t seen for a while. As they greeted each other, she received a lot of compliments on her hair, clothes and tiny frame. As she told me the story she said, “It got me thinking…”

“Maybe we’re all being too hard on ourselves.”

I have a friend whom I admire. A friend I’ve looked up to since the day I met her. In a conversation between my husband and I a while back, he asked me to name three people I want to be like, and hers was the first name out of my mouth. While talking to her one day, she told me a list of things she’d been struggling with. A list of insecurities about her role as a wife, mother, daughter and friend. I honestly couldn’t believe what I was hearing. In my mind, this girl walked on water! There was no way she had issues similar to mine. No way her life was anything but perfect.

But that was my first problem. Believing that her life was perfect was my first and biggest problem.

I have a love/hate relationship with social media. Because the thing about social media is that you see what people want you to see. So all those pictures that are posted with perfect captions of perfectly dress kids, in perfectly decorated, spotless houses, that belong to perfect-looking couples who go on perfect dates and perfect vacations are there because that’s how most people want to be perceived. Most people aren’t going to show you when their house is a disaster, or when date night is spent on the couch with a greasy top knot and no makeup, or when they’re three seconds away from ripping their hair out because that perfectly dressed kid of theirs just won’t. Stop. Crying.

I’ve had to learn that perfect doesn’t exist. And whether people post the things they do for fear of being judged, or because they just prefer to keep certain things private, or because they don’t want to be negative, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that we have to remember that perfect isn’t a thing, at least not as long as we’re human.

Earlier this week I got the sweetest text from a friend who admitted that she’s looked at my life and thought, “man she really does have it all.” Umm, what? Me?  Can’t keep my house clean, doesn’t cook as often as she should, watches way too much TV, pushes the limits on how many days a person should go without washing their hair, me?

That’s the thing though. She was looking at my life admirably while I was doing the same thing back to her.

Maybe she’s being too hard on herself.

I now realize I \need to stop focusing on what I don’t have, and start being more appreciative of what I do have. Maybe my house looks fine in all its everything-is-from-Ikea-or-Target glory. Maybe I don’t need nicer sunglasses, because I always lose them anyway. Maybe it’s okay that I can’t justify spending money on extensions because my hair seems to manage without them. Maybe my future kids won’t win any awards for best-dressed, but maybe that doesn’t matter because once I have them, they’ll be mine and they’ll be my husband’s and after all we will have been through to get them here, what they’re wearing just can’t be that important.

Maybe my life is wonderful just the way it is.

Maybe I need to stop comparing myself to others.

Maybe I’m being too hard on myself?

 -Cassie is the granddaughter of Frank and Corrine Wilbur of St. Johns. A special thanks to her for letting me share her message.   "I'm enough… " video link

As a side highlight to this topic, watch this video and appreciate that you aren't perfect, but you can be perfectly you!  

"I'm enough… " video link

Perhaps many of you have seen this video by The Mrs., all female band.  It is an awesome example of how critical we usually are about ourselves, and a reminder that other people's perceptions of us just may surprise us!

Lessons We Learn Along the Way… by Deanne Wahl

      For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be a mother.  My mother is amazing and growing up all I wanted was to be like her….in fact I still want to grow up to be like my mom.  When Alan and I were married I remember the Sealer talking to us quite a bit about becoming parents and raising a family. When I found we were expecting our first baby I was so excited.  I thought constantly on what I needed to teach her and how I could best help her learn what she needed to know. Little did I know at that time that the lessons to be learned were mine, not hers. 

I love my children so much and am taught daily by them.  Sometime it is little things like pink and red and green are completely acceptable colors to be worn together.  Or, it is fine to make a mess and say sorry because it will be cleaned sometime.  Or, that we now have a Ghost called “It wasn’t me” that lives in our home. J 

     However, so many times in my life I have learned what our Father in Heaven meant when he said to become like a little child.  Children have this amazing ability to forgive and to see only the good. They understand that life is amazing and always find a way to show me that.

Recently I was taught by my daughter that hardwork is important and rewarding, although not in the way we may hope. My oldest decided to do a 4H pig this year, even though mom and dad were not very motivated. I told her that this was her pig and she needed to put in the time. I was not going to feed this pig or walk it, this was her project to do.  She was amazing. Every morning and night she rode her bike over and fed and watered her pig. She dewormed it, washed it,  cleaned the pen, and walked the pig all without any complaint. As a mom I was so excited to see her keep up her end of the bargain. When the fair came around her pig ended up weighing in 3 lbs. too light. She was aware that her pig was close and when it came off the scale I was devastated for her. I had seen the amount of work she put in and I was worried that she would think that she had failed. As she brought the pig back to her pen,  I waited to see what she would say. She look at me and said, “I’m sorry, Mom!” 

I was dumbfounded. I asked her why she was sorry and she said because she thought I would be sad. She tried to explain that she had done everything I told her to and she really had tried. I couldn’t believe it. As heartbroken as I was for her, she was worried about what I would think! I took her in my arms and let her know I was so proud of the work she had done!  I knew she had worked harder than anyone I knew, and that she truly had done everything she needed to do. Her response was, “Well, now we know what to do next year.” 

     Since then I've pondered this; why couldn’t that be my thinking? I seem to dwell on the negative while my little girl immediately pointed my mind towards the lessons we learned. I think our Father in Heaven gives us the ability to work and expects us to work hard. However, there are times that the only payments we may get are the lessons we learn along the way.  

     I am grateful for the faith that Heavenly Father had in me when he sent me my babies.  I know that I have so much to learn from them and am thankful when I understand the lessons I am supposed to be learning.

Journey to Motherhood by Jamie Anderson Neubauer

Shortly after meeting my husband in 2010 I knew he was the one I wanted to marry and have a family with. He was not a member of the Church and I was not an active member, and hadn’t been for many years, but I had no doubt he was the one for me. We decided together that as soon as we married we would start our family. Shortly after getting married we moved from Iowa to St. Johns where my husband, Tony, took a teaching and coaching position at the high school. We continued our attempts at getting pregnant but two years later we were still waiting. It seemed like our prayers were going unanswered. I began to question myself and my spirituality; was I not worthy enough to have children? I was confused. Why were so many of my friends and family being blessed many times over with children? Did Heavenly Father love them more? I was beginning to feel depleted spiritually and emotionally.

During this time of frustration and sadness, I remember getting the Ensign in the mail one day. I put it on the table along with the other mail that came with it. It sat there for a couple of days until I felt prompted to read it. I opened up to an article about a couple who was struggling with infertility. I don’t remember the title of the article but the message of it really hit me hard. We were ready to be parents in every way: we had a home, my husband had a career, we were healthy and we were financially stable. However, one thing was missing: we didn’t have the Gospel in our home. Tony and I rarely talked about religion throughout our marriage. We both agreed that if we are going to have children, some sort of faith needs to be in our home- whether it is Catholic or LDS, but that’s as far as our discussions went on religion. After reading that article, I started going back to church here and there. It was nothing regular but it was a start. Later, Tony started coming as well and eventually joined the Church and we were sealed one year later.

We continued our efforts at getting pregnant, which included many failed fertility treatments, an unsuccessful surgery and eventually learned our only option was in vitro fertilization. As hard as that was to hear, we were thankful for some answers as everything to this point had been unexplained. But this didn’t mean we felt it was the right option for us. There were so many factors to consider. It was expensive and even for someone healthy the success rate wasn’t appealing. It meant months of grueling treatments, injections and procedures; ones with risks. The only place to get this type of treatment was four hours away, meaning I would have to make countless trips back and forth by myself; sometimes several times a month, once a week and even daily depending on the different stages of the process. Were we really up to this challenge? Was I mentally and emotionally strong enough for all this? I knew I wanted a family more than anything but I never imagined it would take so much to have what some take for granted and what others can have so easily.

We prayed and fasted about whether to take this road or not and after getting an answer we decided we were up to the challenge. If we tried and failed, at least we knew we tried and could then move on to adoption. I remember being nervous once we started the process. I was excited we had a plan but also scared of the unknown. At the beginning of the treatments there were times I wondered why I was putting myself through this. It was harder than I ever could have imagined. I prayed for comfort and strength but still couldn’t shake the fear of the outcome. I feared I would go through all this and end up with nothing.

Then one day I was cleaning out the closet in our guestroom and as I was going through some boxes I found my patriarchal blessing. I thought I had lost it so I was surprised to find it. It had been so long since I read it that I could not remember anything about it. I sat on the bed and read exactly what I needed to hear. It mentions that my greatest mission here on earth is to become a mother and eternal wife and that I will be blessed with a family. I immediately felt comforted and my doubts were dissolved. Those few words gave me all the strength and faith I needed to continue. The several priesthood blessings I received gave me comfort through the ups and downs of this journey. I knew in my heart that we were going down the right path; that the Lord blessed us with this opportunity to have a family, and with our faith and prayers and the many others that prayed and fasted with us, we would get through this and have our family. On February 13^, 2014 we found out we were expecting. Words cannot describe the amount of relief and gratitude we felt that our prayers had been answered. Eight days after our third wedding anniversary we finally had the biggest blessing we could ever ask for.

Looking back, I now realize the Lord was not ignoring our prayers and desire to have a family; His plan for my husband and I unfolded in his own time and way. Even though this painful road of infertility felt lonely and hopeless at times, it provided us with a wonderful opportunity to grow as a couple and strengthen our spirituality. Through infertility we are now prepared to raise our son and future children in the gospel. I cannot imagine getting through this trial without having the scriptures, Heavenly Father, prayer and faith to carry us through. I’m grateful I was able to listen to the promptings of the Lord. He has his own timeframe and way of answering prayers. Our prayers were answered, not exactly in the way we wanted, but through this trial there were experiences and blessing we could not have received any other way.

UBUNTU by Kirstin Udall

Recently I came across a valedictory address from 2011 that was written by one of my former students, Kade Garner.  I remember when I heard him deliver it at graduation and being impressed deeply with the concept he spoke of.  Here is the opening of that speech: 

 “In the African language, Zulu, there is a word that encompasses a universal concept that is important and taught in every culture.  This work is unique to the Zulu language because no other language in the world has been able to take this concept and put it into a single word.  This concept in my opinion sums up my entire childhood experience growing up in St. Johns.  The word is ubuntu and it means: ‘I am what I am because of who we all are’, or ‘I am because we are’ for short.”  Kade then went on to make the point that this community, St. Johns, had impacted his and his classmates lives in so many positive ways, and that we owe everything we have and everything we are to the people who have raised us.

I remember when I heard him speak, that a truth rang out in my heart: that this idea, this word “ubuntu” was synonymous in my soul with the word GOD, and  “family”.

Today is my brother Cameron’s birthday.  I love this brother dearly for the many things he taught me in his brief few months of life.  I am what I am because of who he was, and the role he has played in my family’s journey.  This brother died at the age of 9 months, when I was only 11, thirty-four years ago. He was such a happy baby, and had such a peaceful disposition. I loved his brown eyes and the depth they had.  His smile was contagious! He was a joy in our lives...I recall the devastation and sadness of my parents, especially my mother, when this loss rocked our family.  But in spite of all of this, there are so many positive things I learned from this horrible tragedy.  In the week that followed, I remember feeling the Comforter for the first recognizable time in my life.  It was a feeling of peace that overwhelmed me and I knew the Holy Ghost was real. The music at Cameron’s funeral added to this peace and comfort.  Our primary friends sang “Love One Another”, and one of my dad’s friends sang a song from the musical, Saturday’s Warrior.  These few lyrics from that song are burned in my mind: 

Who are these children coming down, coming down.

Like gentle rain though darken skies.

With glory trailing from their feet as they go.

And endless promise in their eyes!

Who are these young ones growing tall, growing tall.

Like silver trees against the storm.

Who will not bend with the wind or the change,

But stand to fight the world alone!

I love these lyrics.  I was a bit too young then, to realize the complete meaning of their beautiful message, but I remember picturing Cameron with “glory” trailing from his tiny feet, on his way back to live with a Father in Heaven.  It gave me great comfort. 

But even in sadness, and despair, our little family was forged closer together in a testimony of Love and of the resurrection.  I started to question life after death and the belief that families could be forever.  One night many months after, we had a family home evening.  My mom had prepared a lesson about working together to be a forever family.  She told us that she knew that Cameron was with Heavenly Father and that he was one of his choice sons, and warriors, that had come to earth to help teach us love.  She said that we all were warriors in God’s family, and that we needed to rise up and stand up for his word.  I remember thinking how can I be a warrior?  I am weak and am not very brave.  My mother then told each of us, what she believed our strengths were.  Interestingly enough, none of the strengths were exactly alike, but rather a balance that helped strengthen the other members in areas that they were weak. But she convinced each of us that we had some quality that our family needed. She emphasized the point that one warrior is strong, but many warriors focused together in purpose could be invincible.  She knew that we had all been sent for a purpose, just as Cameron had, and that we should strive to fulfill our purpose in God’s plan.  I found comfort in the thought of fighting side by side with my brothers and sister, but also my mom and my dad.  My parents were such examples of battling through life’s trials. This was the start of my testimony of FAMILY, and its purpose in life.

In the family proclamation it states: The family is central to God’s plan for His children. It is also the central unit of society and the means for bringing children into the world where they can be loved, provided for, and taught truth and righteousness (see “The Family: A Proclamation to the World”).

I know God’s plan is for us to work together and pull together as His children in His direction.  He provides us daily with those souls around us that can build us up when we need help, but also blesses us to be the builders (warriors) when others of his children need it.  He has given us our immediate families, but also other families, like our church family, our friends, even our community family.  We can all be warriors in one of these families if we’ll search our hearts and take courage in the knowledge that together we are strong.  I have been blessed to be raised by not only my parents but also my friends parents, awesome teachers, neighbors, coaches, church leaders and friends.  I am still learning from you that lead out in our community and our town; I learn daily from my colleagues.  I admire those of you who donate your time in working with youth, and to those of you that have been my students, just know that you have taught me tremendous lessons about love.  It gives me strength to watch all of you and see your examples of kindness and strength and patience, and generosity in trying to do his will; Think of those around you that build you up… I'm positive they fit into one of the definitions of family.  Many of you are valiant enough that you could fight the world alone, but you don't have to!  God has blessed us with families! My heart is filled with hope; that together we can build His kingdom and fight side by side to strengthen our individual families and ourselves.  I am becoming a warrior for God! And that brings me back to “ubuntu”, = I am because we are…

(special thanks to Kade Garner for teaching his teacher)