Choosing to Love Myself by Krystin Wahl

I remember one specific Valentine's Day.  It was the year I attended BYU-Hawaii, February 2003.  My friend next door had the same misfortune I did, we both did not have a date for this night of "love".  I remember sitting on the Haleiwa beach together, listening to the sound of crashing waves.   I had my own tub of ice cream in hand..... indulging, or drowning, my thoughts.  I resented all those who had a date for the night and who were even possibly enjoying a goodnight kiss.   Happiness Shmappiness, who needs it anyway?? (especially when you have ice cream).

To this day,  I can vividly recall the feeling of walking back home that night plum full, but empty.  

Something deep inside me knew I was missing a key concept of life. "Men are that they might have joy!", so why was I not allowing myself to experience such an emotion?   It wasn't until many years down the road where I learned a very valuable lesson.

Fast forward more than a decade.

My marriage was struggling.  How could this be?  I had 4 beautiful children, an amazing husband, and financially we were well off.  In fact, Kyle and I had set a goal to be completely financially free by the age of 30 and we accomplished it 3 months prior to our deadline.  From this experience, I can confidently state that money does not buy you joyful relationships, neither can it pay for any of your problems to vanish.  We still struggled.  I still struggled.... and I didn't know the reason, I was just unhappy. 

However,  I knew what would make me happy.  If my children would just LISTEN the first time I asked them to do something, if everyone would keep the house in the order I left it in, and if my husband would just take me on a date once in a while..... then I would be happy.  It was all their fault I was unhappy.  Somehow I felt justified by putting the blame on everyone else.  There was simply no other way for me to be happy; it had been outsourced.

I remember praying one night with the intent to understand why I was feeling so empty. I had a burning desire to have change come into my life.... my marriage, kids, and future were all on the line.  I did not enjoy this depressed feeling I was experiencing and held onto the hope that there was something I was missing.  After all,  I was doing all the things I should be... attending church, reading my scriptures, praying, gratitude journaling.... so why wasn't I whole-heartedly happy!? 

 I prayed long and hard for that answer. It was unveiled to me in such a beautiful way!  God is so good!  There it was, I finally saw it!  This LIE that fueled my unhappiness.  

The beauty in it was that I saw it was something I could fix myself.  What baffled me was that it had very little to do with anyone else.  You see, at my core I had adopted a belief that I was "not good enough".  Not good enough to have a date on Valentines, not a good enough wife, not good enough at sports, not thin enough, not a good enough mother, cook, mentor, sister, singer, friend, visiting teacher, daughter.... the list was lengthy.  With this belief, my brain gathered all the evidence to make it a case-closed deal.  To top it off,  I was triggered by anyone, and anything, who confirmed this distorted belief.  It was their fault, or so I thought.  I saw how this lie was infecting my life, causing the relationships around me to unravel.  What a glorious realization..... the moment my eyes were opened to see that I could smash that belief that was not serving me in a positive way.  I could change!   I could CHOOSE to feel "good enough" and collect all the positive evidence just as I had done with the negative!

I will state here that this new way of thinking was not as easy as I had hoped.  It took time and effort.  But by small and simple things are great things brought to pass, and I can proudly say that I have found my own happiness and joy by changing my thoughts.  I now take full responsibility for my emotions and thoughts and it has made all the difference not just in my inner and outer world, but also in my relationships.    

What thoughts go through your mind all day?  What about at the end of the day?  I was guilty of lying in bed thinking of all the things I did not get done, or the things I failed at, or replaying what I should or should not have said!?  I will just call this way of thinking out like it is.  It's a set up for failure!  The last thought that we should be dozing off with should be HOW AMAZING WE ARE! Gathering positive evidence by counting up all the accomplishments of our day. 

I propose this way of thinking.  One where we fire all the negative thoughts and voices in our head who are not cheering us on.  February is the month of LOVE, and who better to show it to than our own self!?? Try seeing ourselves the way that God does.  God loves us unconditionally.  As we learn from Him how to love, it instills in us that we were "fearfully and wonderfully made", and that we were "bought with a price".  It gives us the powerful peace that lets us know  WE ARE ENOUGH!  Choose to love ourselves, even as God loves us, and by so doing we are choosing to see Him in us.  This allows us more space and room to have better relationships all around. PROFOUND!

So this month, I propose this challenge of 'CHOOSING TO LOVE MYSELF'.  I hope you choose to play!   

1. NO NEGATIVE SELF TALK FOR THE MONTH OF FEBRUARY

(that's like 16 more days)

This means no negative comments, no negative words, or negative jokes about yourself.  Use the heart print to track your efforts.  Put it on the wall in a place where you see it often so it can remind you of this challenge.  Color in a section of the heart for each day you go without negative self-talk.  If you mess up, forgive yourself and commit to try again the next day.  Awareness is key!

2.  REPLACE OLD HABITS WITH POSITIVE ONES

As you catch the negative comments, turn them into a positive!  Two positives for each negative.  An example would be if I happened to do something silly,  and a thought inside said "You are so stupid".... counter it with "I am intelligent and I learn from my mistakes".

You are enough simply because you are Divine.  I know who I am, a daughter of God.  I leave my testimony of this knowledge and pray that we will all remember our Divine heritage. XOXO

Choose love.   CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY.   Choose JOY!