Waiting for the Windows of Heaven by Kay Perkins

As I look back over my life and contemplate what I could write to benefit others, I am turned to the experiences I had in becoming a mother. All of my life I dreamed of

getting married, having lots of kids, and living happily ever after. Dreams are good to

have, but I believe we must always be prepared when things don’t work out the way we

want them to.

Allan and I were married on August 22, 1986 in the right place, and in the Lord’s time. I was 28 years old when we began our journey together. We wanted to havea baby as soon as possible and did nothing to avoid starting our family. In the fall of 1987, our wish came true, but it was short lived when I miscarried at 3 months. I never dreamed that that would be the only time I would become pregnant. Allan got deathly sick in 1988 and almost died from complications of Pancreatitis with Pseudo Cysts. After 3 major surgeries and months in the hospital, we finally could live a normal life.

Law School and Graduation came and went. Allan’s first job after the Bar Exam led us

to Mohave County, Arizona, then on to Graham County and my home town of Thatcher.

For 11 years we tried every option of having our own child. Feelings of anger, betrayal, sadness, failure, bitterness, and anxiety, filled my soul for years. Every time a friend or relative shared the news that they were going to have a baby, I felt denied. I was so happy for them, but deep inside, my heart was aching. I felt my prayers were in vain, that Heavenly Father had forgotten about me, that I didn’t matter to Him anymore.

My father passed away in 1994, and I spent many Sunday mornings visiting his gravesite

searching for unanswered questions. I figured that was where I could find peace and solace to calm the ache in my heart. For some reason, I felt closer to Heaven when I was there. I poured out my soul and shed many tears on those visits. I pleaded and bargained with Heavenly Father to please let me be a mother. It was my greatest desire. I promised that if He would send us a child, I would raise that child to walk uprightly before Him and that I would make sure that child knew they were His child.

The answers came. We knew we would never conceive a child of our own, so we started the adoption process through the LDS Church Social Services. The long process was completed late in 1996, and we were finally certified to adopt in the State of Arizona. The waiting list was long, and I didn’t have much hope. I was used to all those feelings of disappointment and prepared myself for the worse. However, despite my doubts and fears, Heavenly Father knew the desires of our hearts and had a plan for us.

In June of 1997, out of the blue, we received a phone call from a very dear friend of ours. She told us of a young girl who was in trouble and wanted to give her baby up for adoption, and would we be interested in taking the baby. I stood there with tears streaming down my face trying to compose myself long enough to give her our answer. On October 13, 1997, a beautiful baby boy came into this world and made me a mom. When we walked into the hospital that night and saw this precious son of God for the first time, I knew instantly that Heavenly Father loved me, and He had answered my prayers. The pure joy that filled my soul cannot be described.

Six months later, as Allan and I knelt at the altar in the Mesa Temple, and they placed Dallin on the altar to be sealed to us for all Eternity, Heaven was opened and the Holy Ghost bore witness to me that indeed Dallin was mine. He had to come to us in a different way, but he was ours forever. When Dallin was 2, he was in my mother’s bedroom, and when I went to find him, he was standing in front of a picture of my father and mother. He pointed at my dad and said, “Grandpa.” How did he know him? I had never shown him a picture of my dad, nor talked to him about his Grandpa Jones. I truly believe that my father played a major role in the placement of Dallin in our home. They knew each other well, in Heaven, before Dallin came to earth. The time I spent pleading and praying in the cemetery, was not in vain. They heard me, not only Heavenly Father, but also my earthly father. The veil is thin and our loved ones are closer than we know. Of this I am sure.

I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father is aware of us, He loves us, and He does

answer our prayers. The windows of Heaven will open for us, maybe not in our time

frame, but in His. We don’t always understand why things happen the way they do, but

because He loves us, we can find peace. Dallin is currently serving a full time mission in

Salt Lake City. He knows who he is; he knows he is a Son of God. I am so glad I kept my promise to God, and He kept His.

Bus 8 Will Never Be the Same by Suzanne Hancock

Every morning when my eight-year-old would get on the bus, he was greeted by a jubilant, "HELLO, CAEL! How are you, buddy?" "Hi, John!" Cael would excitedly respond, and then he would launch into his signature nonstop talking about anything and everything.

On that fifteen to twenty minute ride to school, John and Cael would discuss the Arizona Cardinals' latest win or loss; which bus they had that day; which busses were broken down; when Cael had a visit from the tooth fairy; the trip Cael had taken over the weekend; what Santa brought for Christmas; John's Cubs' World Series hat; and on and on and on.

They also discussed John's upcoming retirement from driving the bus.

I don't know who was more saddened by this news: Cael or his parents.

That greeting each weekday morning started Cael's day off with joy.
That short ride to school demonstrated John's patience and willingness to listen.
That interest in a little boy's life helped Cael feel special.

John would let him shut the bus door and be his little helper. He gave Cael jobs to do, which helped him to be responsible and to feel needed.

I observed all of this from the slightly ajar front door or from the window every day, and every day I smiled and felt a wave of gratitude that this bus driver was sent into the life of my son.

The amazing thing is, I know that John was this way with many of the children. I'm not the only mom who saw the way he treated the kids. He is an example of the Light of Christ that can be shared in small and simple ways. He is an example of how we should treat others in our lives. He is an example of the teaching of our Savior in Matthew, chapter 25, verse 40: "And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."

John Poe is much more than a bus driver. He took his job and used it to reach out and to make someone else happy. His impact on my son's life and on ours will forever be etched in our hearts.

Being an only child, Cael has no siblings, but he now has an eternal brother, thanks to one man's selfless and giving soul.

He Watched Over Me by Clint Wiltbank

I had an experience years ago that helped me realize that our Heavenly Father is real, and is very conscious of us.  It was at the end of my first semester at BYU.  I had a couple of different jobs just to try and keep up with expenses.  One of my jobs, I milked the night shift at the University dairy.  It was Christmas Eve, and I had just finished the 3^rd shift around 2AM.  I had planned to drive all the next day to come home for Christmas. I drove an old '68 Chevy 4X4 pickup without any seat belts.  The dairy was in Spanish Fork, about 20 miles from where my dorm was on campus.  The interstate was abandoned as I made my way back to campus.  I remember driving about 75-80 miles per hour, when the front end of my pickup started bouncing so bad, I had a hard time getting the truck pulled to the side of the interstate.  Thinking that I had a broken front axle, I crawled underneath with a flashlight to survey the scene. The front axle was intact.  I climbed back in the cab, thinking I might be able to limp the truck the rest of the way into Provo.  I started, and everything seemed fine.  As I got back up to freeway speed, the truck started bucking again.  This time, after getting her shutdown, I took my flashlight, and stood several yards in front and could see that my driver-side front wheel was just resting on the 4 wheel drive hub.  There wasn't a lug nut left holding the wheel on.  That wheel stayed on that hub going 75 down the freeway, pulling off, starting again, and pulling off a second time.  There is no logical explanation why I shouldn't have been killed that night, other than I was being looked out for by some heavenly being.   

The next year I was on a mission for the church, working with the southeast Asian Vietnamese community in Houston, TX.  A lot of these people had been brought to the US on an immigration program after enduring some horrible experiences after the Vietnam war.  I constantly got the “A  kind God wouldn't have let such horrible things happen”.  I know that our mortal minds don't comprehend all things, and I fully believe that some day everything will make sense to us.  I do know that on that Christmas Eve so many years ago, my Heavenly Father was looking out for me, an insignificant 19 year old.  I have contemplated that experience many times since then, and am grateful that I was spared that night.

Finding Joy by Brad Jarvis

In today’s world, as the world sees things, there has never been a better time to be able to find joy.  Technology and mechanical advances have created some amazing things that can do the impossible and are a lot of fun.  The world would have us believe that this is joy.  Although these things are amazing and can bring a lot of happiness and fun to us and our families, it is far from the true definition of joy.  President Nelson states, “When the focus of our lives is on Jesus Christ and His gospel we can feel joy regardless of what is happening or not happening in our lives.”  So by putting Christ and the gospel as the focus we are following Pres. Burgoyne’s council as to the “why” in our lives.  As we try to become like Christ and try living the gospel we put ourselves in the position of experiencing true joy.

One personal experience I find joy in, which I’m sure the world would view as small and insignificant, is having my boys conduct Family Home Evening.  My older boys have somewhat lost the enthusiasm, but if asked, are able to successfully accomplish it.  But we’ve got Shad who still loves to take charge and assign the prayers, songs, and treat.  If only as much thought went into the rest of the program as the treat, we would be well on our way to becoming spiritual giants.  

Years ago I heard a story told about a General Authority visiting England at the beginning of WWII. 

While he was waiting to organize sacrament meeting, the General Authority ran into a preacher that told him he hoped he had better luck holding a meeting then he had had since only a few people had shown up.  The General Authority invited him to attend sacrament meeting with him.  The preacher accepted.  The General Authority made assignments for conducting, speaking, taking care of the sacrament, etc.  The preacher watched in amazement as these boys didn’t hesitate and were able to fulfill their assignments.  After the meeting, the preacher asked the General Authority how this was even possible.  He responded by telling the preacher that these boys have been doing this their whole lives in the church.

When I heard that story I realized the importance of having my boys raised knowing how to conduct, lead music, and over all just be prepared to serve when needed.  It’s a simple thing that has brought joy to our family.

As we are trying to live the gospel we can find joy in any situation.  Saints regardless of their circumstances are able to find joy.  I’m sure we all know one, if not more, of those people that are just 100% solid, regardless of sickness or other struggles.  They are joyous and make the most of whatever life throws at them.  Please don’t think for one second I’m putting myself in this category. I can whine with the best of them.

President Russell M. Nelson recounts an experience that happened to Eliza R. Snow.  Because of Missouri’s infamous extermination order, issued at the onset of the grueling winter of 1838, she and other Saints were forced to flee the state that very winter.  One evening, Eliza’s family spent the night in a small log cabin used by refugee Saints.  Much of the chinking between the logs had been extracted and burned for firewood by those who preceded them, so there were holes between the logs large enough for a cat to crawl through.  It was bitter cold, and their food was frozen solid.

That night some 80 people huddled inside that small cabin only 20 feet square.  Most sat or stood all night trying to keep warm.  Outside, a group of men spent the night gathered around a roaring fire, with some singing hymns and others roasting frozen potatoes.  Eliza recorded: “Not a complaint was heard – all were cheerful, and judging from appearances, strangers would have taken us to be pleasure excursionists rather than a band of gubernatorial exiles.”

Remember Saints are happy in every circumstance, not just when things are going well, but in every circumstance.  This is possible because of joy. 

Another example of joy that we all are familiar with is Lehi and his family. Maybe some of us can relate to their situation – children going astray, brothers that took being obnoxious to an entire different level, actually tying up their brother and beating him.  Yet with all these things going on in his family, Lehi writes one of the simplest and most profound verses of scripture on joy: 2 Nephi 2:25 Adam fell that man might be, and men are that they might have joy.

Brothers and Sisters, I testify that our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy and experience joy.  We can find joy in all circumstances. It’s a gift to those trying to live the gospel and become like Christ.

Plan of Happiness by Nic Finch

One of my favorite Gospel teachings is that of the Plan of Salvation. I've loved it since I was young. What hope and purpose it gives us in this life. The majority of the world wonders, why am I here, where did I come from, and where will I go when I die? We are so blessed as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to have these answers to these questions.

We lived with our Heavenly Father and our Elder Brother, the Savior Jesus Christ, before we came here to this earth. There was a great council held where all that have ever lived, are living, or yet will live on this earth participated. Two plans were offered to us. The first was by Satan. He said send me down to earth, and I will make everyone choose the right so that not one soul will be lost. In return, Heavenly Father, I want all the glory for myself. The second plan was from our Elder Brother, Jesus Christ, He said I will go down and show them how to return to live with thee, Heavenly Father, and the glory will be thine. Satan, because of his greed to try and make himself greater than our Heavenly Father, was cast out of the Father's presence along with 1/3 of the hosts that were in that great council. They were sent here to earth to never obtain a body. They will never progress.

We all chose the Savior’s plan, but how do we know this? Because we are here with a physical body to do our best and do all that is required while we are here to qualify us to return to live with our Heavenly Father. What are those things that we are required to do in this life? First, baptism by immersion by one who holds the Priesthood Authority; second, the laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost; third, we must go to the Temple and receive our Endowments; fourth, we must be sealed in the Temple to our spouse for time and for all eternity; fourth, we must repent daily for the sins we commit; fifth, we must endure with faith to the end. If we do these things, we will have favor in the Lord’s sight, and, through his love and grace, we will be able to live with Him and the Father in the Celestial Kingdom.

Those who choose not to follow this path, do as they please, and live a not so pleasant life, will inherit the lowest kingdom, the Telestial Kingdom. Those who have lived a good life but never found the saving truths, or chose not to accept those savings truths, will inherit the Terrestrial Kingdom. But before we are judged and assigned the degrees of glory or kingdoms in which we earned, there is a place that we go to when we die. That place is known as the Spirit World. The Spirit World is divided in to two places: Spirit Prison and Spirit Paradise. Those who have accepted the Gospel in this life and died are in Paradise and have the great responsibility of doing missionary work and preaching  to those in Spirit Prison. We have a great responsibility here in this life to get saving ordinances done for those who are in Spirit Prison. These ordinances are a physical ordinance and must be done in the flesh. That is why we do Genealogy work. To find our loved ones and get their temple work done for them. That way, if they accept and believe what is being taught to them in the Spirit World, they will have those ordinances done for them and qualify themselves to live with our Father in Heaven in the Celestial Kingdom.

Oh what joy and peace this gives me. I know that these things are true. I know that I will see my loved ones again and that families can be together forever. I know that if I will endure well to the end, I will live with my wife and kids and my Heavenly Father.  How grateful I am for a loving Heavenly Father who provided this Plan of Salvation or Plan of Happiness. He truly loves each and every one of us and knows us by name.

Choosing to Love Myself by Krystin Wahl

I remember one specific Valentine's Day.  It was the year I attended BYU-Hawaii, February 2003.  My friend next door had the same misfortune I did, we both did not have a date for this night of "love".  I remember sitting on the Haleiwa beach together, listening to the sound of crashing waves.   I had my own tub of ice cream in hand..... indulging, or drowning, my thoughts.  I resented all those who had a date for the night and who were even possibly enjoying a goodnight kiss.   Happiness Shmappiness, who needs it anyway?? (especially when you have ice cream).

To this day,  I can vividly recall the feeling of walking back home that night plum full, but empty.  

Something deep inside me knew I was missing a key concept of life. "Men are that they might have joy!", so why was I not allowing myself to experience such an emotion?   It wasn't until many years down the road where I learned a very valuable lesson.

Fast forward more than a decade.

My marriage was struggling.  How could this be?  I had 4 beautiful children, an amazing husband, and financially we were well off.  In fact, Kyle and I had set a goal to be completely financially free by the age of 30 and we accomplished it 3 months prior to our deadline.  From this experience, I can confidently state that money does not buy you joyful relationships, neither can it pay for any of your problems to vanish.  We still struggled.  I still struggled.... and I didn't know the reason, I was just unhappy. 

However,  I knew what would make me happy.  If my children would just LISTEN the first time I asked them to do something, if everyone would keep the house in the order I left it in, and if my husband would just take me on a date once in a while..... then I would be happy.  It was all their fault I was unhappy.  Somehow I felt justified by putting the blame on everyone else.  There was simply no other way for me to be happy; it had been outsourced.

I remember praying one night with the intent to understand why I was feeling so empty. I had a burning desire to have change come into my life.... my marriage, kids, and future were all on the line.  I did not enjoy this depressed feeling I was experiencing and held onto the hope that there was something I was missing.  After all,  I was doing all the things I should be... attending church, reading my scriptures, praying, gratitude journaling.... so why wasn't I whole-heartedly happy!? 

 I prayed long and hard for that answer. It was unveiled to me in such a beautiful way!  God is so good!  There it was, I finally saw it!  This LIE that fueled my unhappiness.  

The beauty in it was that I saw it was something I could fix myself.  What baffled me was that it had very little to do with anyone else.  You see, at my core I had adopted a belief that I was "not good enough".  Not good enough to have a date on Valentines, not a good enough wife, not good enough at sports, not thin enough, not a good enough mother, cook, mentor, sister, singer, friend, visiting teacher, daughter.... the list was lengthy.  With this belief, my brain gathered all the evidence to make it a case-closed deal.  To top it off,  I was triggered by anyone, and anything, who confirmed this distorted belief.  It was their fault, or so I thought.  I saw how this lie was infecting my life, causing the relationships around me to unravel.  What a glorious realization..... the moment my eyes were opened to see that I could smash that belief that was not serving me in a positive way.  I could change!   I could CHOOSE to feel "good enough" and collect all the positive evidence just as I had done with the negative!

I will state here that this new way of thinking was not as easy as I had hoped.  It took time and effort.  But by small and simple things are great things brought to pass, and I can proudly say that I have found my own happiness and joy by changing my thoughts.  I now take full responsibility for my emotions and thoughts and it has made all the difference not just in my inner and outer world, but also in my relationships.    

What thoughts go through your mind all day?  What about at the end of the day?  I was guilty of lying in bed thinking of all the things I did not get done, or the things I failed at, or replaying what I should or should not have said!?  I will just call this way of thinking out like it is.  It's a set up for failure!  The last thought that we should be dozing off with should be HOW AMAZING WE ARE! Gathering positive evidence by counting up all the accomplishments of our day. 

I propose this way of thinking.  One where we fire all the negative thoughts and voices in our head who are not cheering us on.  February is the month of LOVE, and who better to show it to than our own self!?? Try seeing ourselves the way that God does.  God loves us unconditionally.  As we learn from Him how to love, it instills in us that we were "fearfully and wonderfully made", and that we were "bought with a price".  It gives us the powerful peace that lets us know  WE ARE ENOUGH!  Choose to love ourselves, even as God loves us, and by so doing we are choosing to see Him in us.  This allows us more space and room to have better relationships all around. PROFOUND!

So this month, I propose this challenge of 'CHOOSING TO LOVE MYSELF'.  I hope you choose to play!   

1. NO NEGATIVE SELF TALK FOR THE MONTH OF FEBRUARY

(that's like 16 more days)

This means no negative comments, no negative words, or negative jokes about yourself.  Use the heart print to track your efforts.  Put it on the wall in a place where you see it often so it can remind you of this challenge.  Color in a section of the heart for each day you go without negative self-talk.  If you mess up, forgive yourself and commit to try again the next day.  Awareness is key!

2.  REPLACE OLD HABITS WITH POSITIVE ONES

As you catch the negative comments, turn them into a positive!  Two positives for each negative.  An example would be if I happened to do something silly,  and a thought inside said "You are so stupid".... counter it with "I am intelligent and I learn from my mistakes".

You are enough simply because you are Divine.  I know who I am, a daughter of God.  I leave my testimony of this knowledge and pray that we will all remember our Divine heritage. XOXO

Choose love.   CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY.   Choose JOY!

Weak Things Become Strong by Leisha Greer

I’m not normally a person who has a way with words, especially when I’m nervous.  I tend to stammer, which I like to tell myself is my extremely rapid brain thinking too fast for my mouth to catch up.  This is how I’ve managed to get out of public speaking duties for 25 years.  My senior year of high school we were required to speak in the ward of our choice for our last seminary assignment. My friends all found out and showed up in support, which I stumbled my way through, voice trembling, and uttering moans and weird sounds throughout the whole talk which my friends found hilarious.  This was the last time I spoke in church.  

My problem with public speaking is in large part due to my struggle with self-esteem.  I hate the feeling of being watched and automatically think I am being judged.  When I was younger, I hated being the center of attention. Pictures taken of myself show me shrugging my shoulders up by my ears in an effort to try and hide my face.  I resembled a turtle.

I never wanted to be seen or heard.  In school, when I was called on, my heart would race, my hands would sweat, and an icy chill would flow over my whole body.  I always felt everyone was laughing at me, especially when I would stutter.

You think as I have gotten older and wiser, I wouldn’t care about what others have to think about me.  But unfortunately it carried on into my 30’s.  Living in Utah, I regularly compared myself to the other moms in the ward and often came up short with the talents that I associated with these ‘supermoms', as I liked to call them.  I put these moms on imaginary pedestals, which made me sink to a low depth of insignificance and depression.  I also grew up in an inactive home and never had a firm grasp of gospel principles.  I had tremendous guilt for not being able to teach and pass these down to my children.  

I finally realized something needed to be done.  I had a frank discussion with my bishop at the time and told him of my insecurities.  With love and understanding, he told me that first and foremost, I needed to stop comparing myself to these other moms.  He added that we all have issues that we are dealing with and that nobody’s family is perfect.

Secondly, he said to overcome my feelings of worthlessness, I needed  to remember who I am, which is a daughter of God.  I should seek His help through prayer.  For the first time in my life, I prayed for help with my anxieties.   I felt surrounded by what I can only describe as warm hug.  I knew in that moment that my Heavenly Father loved me and every one of my imperfections.

Last, he said to surround myself with positive people and positive things. Have you noticed when you are in negative company, it makes you also want to be negative?  However, this can work both ways.  Find the uplifting people in your life that make you happy.  The people who love you will always encourage you to do better and never in a critical way.  

One thing I have come to notice is that my problem is not uncommon.  At some point in our lives most people struggle with problems of self-worth.

Ether 12:27 says: “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

Elder Glenn L. Pace of the Seventy added that, “Too often we wallow in our weaknesses so much that we do not allow “weak things” to “become strong.” Our condition is frequently misdiagnosed as humility, when in reality it is a lack of confidence. To lack confidence is to have feelings of low self-worth. We are preoccupied with our weaknesses, and we lack faith in the Lord’s ability to use those weaknesses for our good. We do not understand our inestimable worth in the eyes of God, nor do we appreciate our divine potential. Ironically, both pride and a lack of self-confidence cause us to focus excessively on ourselves and to deny the power of God in our lives.”

I still struggle with self-esteem and loving myself; I unfortunately always will.  It’s hard changing a lifetime of insecurities.  But I’ve come to realize that loving yourself is not about puffing your chest and tooting your own horn.  It’s not trying to compare oneself to the world’s idea of flawlessness.  In the end,  I know through humbling myself, seeking Heavenly Father’s help through prayer, surrounding myself with those that love me,  and knowing who I am, that my struggles and insecurities can and will improve.  I have faith in knowing He will always love me, imperfections and all.